From Heartbreak to Healing: How I Manifested a Life Beyond Love and Loss
We met in the year of the Lovers.
God, we were a match made heaven — if heaven was full of red flags and lovebombs. Our first date lasted from a Saturday night to a Monday night. Within a week, he wanted to go exclusive. In less than a month, “I love you” was bursting from our insides. We started making plans in terms of “us.”
Five months later, he broke up with me...
Over the phone…
On Valentine’s Day…
Two days after I had a miscarriage.
When I saw a pink line on the pee stick, I couldn’t contain the warmth and joy rushing through my body.
Trust me, I tried. I told myself I should be scared and unsure, but I wasn’t.
My understanding of love drastically expanded in a matter of 30 seconds.
what shocked me more?
the pregnancy? the joy? or his response?
“BABE I’M SO EXCITED!”
“I’m coming over right now.”
“are you okay?”
“can I bring you anything”
could all have been totally reasonable responses. what I received instead?
a uncomfortably long silence, followed by this bell ringer of a question… “how did this happen?”
While Rihanna revealed her beautiful babybelly on Superbowl Sunday in a head-to-toe blood red costume, my heavy bleeding omitted all need of the unbelievable-to-me conversations we had about what to do next.
I don’t know if it’s the deeply intimate and personal loss, the complete betrayal of your body, or the combination of loss AND physical pain, but a miscarriage is an isolating grief. For me, it wasn’t just that I was by myself behind a bathroom door. A lonely experience made somehow lonelier knowing the person I thought I was in a relationship with simply made a decision to not be there with me while it happened.
A brutal way to learn a future with him wasn’t an option (and that he might actually be a selfish asshole?).
Familiar with depression, this, this was something new.
I am an optimist. I am enthusiastic. I am a problem solver. I am FULL of ideas.
Yet, I felt nothing.
My brain short-circuited. I spun so far out into the void of loss and despair that I think I entered a new timeline. Somewhere between life and death, here and there, everything and nothing.
I got lost walking to a destination across the street. I ended up on the highway when I meant to drive home. Food made me nauseous. The smell of death lingered in my nostrils. Three of Swords. Five of Cups. Ten of Swords. I couldn’t see a future. Hours and hours and hours went by — only to find out it was just minutes.
I had a staring contest with denial.
Anger kept me company.
But bargaining? Bargaining was my bestie.
In my many many many conversations with bargaining, I poured my visions of my ex and I together into a notebook. please please please please please. I made wishes on the stars. please please please please please. I begged god to bring him back into my life. please please please please please. I pleaded with my ancestors to look into my heart and bring this person back to me. please please please please please. On a new moon, I mixed passionflower, ladys mantle, honeysuckle, rose with a mortar and pestle. I sprinkled it in a wooden box. I wrote about the love I had for my ex, how much he meant to me, and my deepest desire. I prayed over the container daily. please please please please please. I put into the universe exactly what I wanted. please please please please please.
Tragically and abruptly thrust into the oblivion of heartbreak, I tried everything outside of blood sacrifice to manifest him back into my life.
And…
it worked.
A few weeks later, out of nowhere, there was his name, in my notifications.
Grateful and relieved and excited, I think I took a breath of life for the first time in months.
During this time, I was in therapy. I was working on my anxious attachment. I was implementing a routine.
I was grieving my loss. I was exercising. I was spending time with friends. I was journaling and cooking and caring for myself. I was doing everything I possibly could to address my mental health so I could show up fully and intentionally in our relationship this time around.
Meanwhile, he took days, weeks in between responses. He fell through on commitments and changed plans. For his birthday I baked him his favorite cookies from scratch, spent hours curating the perfect gift, and sent him a message about how much I loved and appreciated him. For my birthday he sent this afternoon message: “🎁🎉 Happy Birthday 🎉🎁” He came and went as he pleased. Not recognizing how I singlehandedly pulled myself from the brink, how little I had in the tank, he used me.
Being hit with a “can we talk” text on a friday night is not the same as being back in a relationship. The 40-year-old virgin ain’t got nothing on the 40-year-old fuck boy.
This is how I learned the hard way: be careful what you wish for.
The warning echoes throughout the ages: you do not dabble in bringing back the dead.
He may have returned, but it was not the same.
You do not bring back the dead, you do not dare draw in someone who’s already left. Certain laws of nature should not be broken.
It viscerally clear to me now: I wanted the wrong thing.
Obsessed and desperate and entangled, when the universe brought him back to me I was grateful and hopeful, willing to accept any crumb offered to me. What I settled for in exchange for being around him was something vile, toxic, and 100% not meant for me.
Finally, I greeted acceptance.
There were many ups and downs after it finally ended. But I understood that it wasn’t right for me anymore. I let it go knowing I deserved better. I took with me the lesson that came from loss: I want, and I deserve, healthy, secure, loving partnership.
Instead of focusing on a person, I started focusing on how I wanted to feel in life and in a relationship.
I made a vision board full of imagery that reminded me of love, ease, and joy. I continued therapy. I started an antidepressant. I focused on things that made me happy. When I started dating again, I set boundaries, communicated expectations, stopped people pleasing, and paid attention to my intuition.
This vision came to fruition, too. Except this time, I am the healthiest I’ve been in my entire life. The sweet cherry on top? I am also in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.
I have heard good morning and good night every single day since knowing him. I have been heard and supported in difficult times. I have been celebrated. I have been considered.
Exactly one year after the worst Valentine’s Day of my life, a man told me he loved me.
Once I unhooked my grip from a specific person and focused on the feelings I wanted to feel in my life and in a relationship — it changed the outlook. It changed the standards. It changed my self-esteem.
There’s a ton that I did right when I was hurting: I made plans with my friends. I focused on my business when I had the energy. I memorialized the miscarriage. I immediately sought therapy. I let my friends see me as my absolute lowest, non-showeringest self. I let people take care of me. I cried. I slept. I gave myself permission to eat the only thing that didn’t nauseate me, a diet of cheese fries and milkshakes. I showed up for myself.
When women come to me, love-spun and believing that the person who abused, abandoned, terrorized, belittled, betrayed, objectified, love bombed, left them to die, is still their person, I speak in rose quartz colloquials the lesson I swallowed like a stone: you deserve way more.
Stop focusing on the person who hurt you.
Start focusing on the feelings you want to feel.
And watch how more and more of it shows up in your life little by little every. single. day.
It will take time, but I promise:
There will be a day when you don’t think about him at all.
There will be a day when it is so easy to say no to crumbs.
There will be a day that you love yourself unconditionally.
There will be a day when someone SO MUCH BETTER comes along and is everything you wanted and more.
RaDonna Reed is an optimism-obsessed coach with the cards, dedicated to helping women delight in their deepest desires and create their ideal futures. As a Reiki-certified tarot reader, RaDonna has guided clients around the globe to fall in love with their lives. With 15 years as an entrepreneur and almost a decade reading tarot, RaDonna has made Inspo Studio the ultimate hangout for creative minds. She leads a team of top intuitive advisors to host events that get real results. Ready to fall in love with your life? Connect with RaDonna and start your journey today.
