I love love, but I hate the idea of Soulmates.
Most often, I see it as a means for control and abuse than for love and divine union.
I used to hardcore believe in soulmates. I thought there was someone destined for everyone, cosmically connected.
When I was 21, the spark died with my high school sweetheart, my first love, my best friend, my Soulmate. Now that I have almost ten years of perspective, everyone who came after that was competing for something they couldn’t replace. It is what it is.
Mostly it’s because I felt part of me died. I couldn’t connect with anyone on a real level, so I allowed myself to become involved with people who I didn’t really love. I was filling this massive hole.
Until someone came along with a charming, devilish smile. He made me feel like I had been wrong about everything I believed up until that point.
The good part about that is I felt more open to love.
The bad part about that is…
I felt wrong about everything.
You can imagine it was a tumultuous relationship. After every fight, he would say I was his Soulmate. My muscles remembered how to nod in agreement. Even after the time he backed me into a corner and put bruises on my legs.
Inevitably, his claim to my soul would be followed with a honey-do list of all the things I needed to change to make him happy.
Everything I knew about myself, everything I was building for myself, became up for discussion for the sake of my soulmate.
And each time I wanted to leave, he convinced me this work would be necessary for me on a soul level, and I’d keep having to learn this lesson if I didn’t work on it now.
I kept shifting. I kept trying to please him. And the finish line kept changing.
It took me years to break this cycle. It took breaking my ankle on a patch of black ice in the desert while he had a ring in his pocket. It took years of therapy. It took a vision of myself in the mirror with a bloody nose—one that felt so real I wiped my nose, but nothing was there. It took my mom, my best friend, my therapist to help me see me. It took a fucking team.
He was right about one thing — this was part of my soul journey, just not the way he wanted. The very second I fully decided to leave this person, I felt a cycle complete in the most intense way. I felt my path come back into place. It was my work to sense a completion in self, to stand up for my soul, to live for myself. I felt my spirit guides and all the energy around me breathe in relief and just like that, everything got… easy. I don’t mean I didn’t struggle, but I didn’t doubt myself anymore; I didn’t feel like I was treading water or walking through mud.
It was then I realized that I am my own Soulmate. I don’t feel like a half anymore. And I lose this connection with myself every time I willingly give that right to someone else.
And let me tell you, he broke every boundary I created afterward.
He even told me the way I was treating him was disastrous because since we were Soulmates, I would have to reckon with it in the next life.
You guys. He literally threatened me in the next life. Which everyone I showed that screenshot laughed in disbelief. And I felt nothing, absolutely nothing for him.
I share this because it’s not just my experience. I hear this OFTEN in readings “but they’re my soulmate and what if this is my soul journey?”
Your soul is not here to suffer for the sake of love.
I can’t say what’s best for anyone, but generally, if it feels like a long string of suffering, it’s not for you. You wouldn’t have to break, melt, twist, for a soulmate.
For me, I look for things that light my soul up now. Relationships and experiences that can keep that light lit through nurturing.
Is it in my soul journey to grow? Evolve? Yes. If I have to continuously reignite my light, hide the tiny flame, or if I feel like I am constantly running from being put out — that’s a no. N-O, hell to the fuck NO.
Remember, that word, that belief, comes from the mouth of a human being, and earthly creature with as little understanding of the grand design as you. And now that word has even been said to be incorrect, that soulmates are actually twin flames.
MOUTHS OF HUMANS. K?