Three Beliefs About Love That Keep Us from Actually Feeling It

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Very few of us take a moment to deepen our understanding of love. To explore what we want, how it feels. We believe certain concepts as facts. And it’s no surprise.

[Peek through RaDonna’s Looking at Love RetreatSelf-Love Retreat if you want in-depth, in-person exploration about this topic]

We are sold, shown, and taught about love from an early age. 

In the way it was given, or withheld.
In the way we heard people say it, or sat in the silence of the unsaid.
In the way we saw it in a Hollywood kiss, heard it in a lyric or melody, learned about how it feels from a thin-papered magazine quiz we may or may not have thrown across the room when it so matter-of-factly revealed… they don’t like us back.

The lessons of our worthiness, our language for love, weaves throughout every story of our lives. 

Each lesson differs, depending on who’s learning it: your upbringing, your sense of belonging, your culture, your self-esteem, your personality, your birth chart — your messages of love are completely unique.

In some cultures love is about courtship, in other cultures it is about survival. 

It makes complete sense that we all

Have
A
Different
Understanding
Of
Love

There are common beliefs that influence how we, as individuals, experience it, even when there is no personal connection to that belief. I’ve rounded up a few that come up in sessions or consultations regularly.

Editor’s Note: Notice I call these statements “beliefs” rather than “myths.” I’m not here to debunk someone’s philosophy on love, or life, or anything. There is nothing wrong if you believe any of the following statements. This writing encourages you to recognize that you have a choice in how you give, receive, understand, define, experience, and desire love, and challenges you to explore those beliefs.

 

Belief #1 “But they’re my soulmate…”

soulmate is a word

I know, I know. I’m spiritual so you’d think I believe in love that lasts lifetimes, bringing people together over and over for eternity.

Maybe this is true. Who knows? 

All I know for sure is RIGHT NOW. 

If you found someone that makes you feel like all the stars aligned and brought you to them, fucking bathe in that babe! Whether it’s a lover, a friend, your family. Enjoy it. 

But if you found someone who said “you’re my soulmate,” yet makes you feel awful, abuses you, drains your energy, do not stay because of a fucking word. Generally, I tend to believe soulmates wouldn’t make you feel unsafe and it’s not your soul journey to endure.

When looking for a soulmate connection, I think what we are describing is the need 

to feel energetically, spiritually, aligned with someone;
to feel seen down to our bones, our tangled skeleton;
to trust this person to witness our shape with unconditional love.

It is possible to find this deep connection with people, to feel like we’ve known them for lifetimes.

But remember. 

Soulmate

Is Simply

A Word

It doesn’t immortalize pain.

Belief #2 “You complete me” 

-3286580399604559549_IMG_6218Many of us crave that Mal Cobb passion, “do you know what it is to be a lover? To be a half of a whole?” Or perhaps you’ve dreamt of creating a family for-fucking-ever.

Feeling balanced from union with another makes complete sense.

Feeling completed by it raises a red flag for me.

To hold on to this belief as the only truth—without those things we are not whole—can be a dangerous foundation to build upon if we’re not paying attention. Not just for the relationships we’re creating.

Know this: when someone special enters your life, they add to your awesome–they were not the architect of it.

The empty feeling that we are not enough without a partner snowballs into feeling like we are not enough period. It affects our money, our friendships, our mental health.

No need to stop craving these things, or to avoid fully putting your heart into something. Instead, become aware of your center of gravity–you, the only and absolute constant in your life.

“Are you enough for you is the only question you need to answer”
–L.E. Bowman, The Evolution of a Girl

Belief #3 We must love ourselves before we love another.

Loving yourself
is a practice,
not a prerequisite.

The truth is: loving yourself is hard.

Especially when we are told not to… 

all. of. the. fucking. time.

Add in depression, anxiety, lack of self-awareness, uncertainty,  imposter syndrome… many of us would never feel ready or worthy of love.

I whole-heartedly promote self-love. To me, however, it’s an action, rather than an accomplishment. There is no finish line. Self-love is a ritual that infuses every part of our routine: what we eat and drink, how we get ready for the day, how we get ready for sleep, who we spend time with, the work we produce, the media we consume, sometimes even the purchases we make. If love looks differently for everyone, SELF-LOVE is even more unique.

And it changes all of the time.

If we waited until the day we fully loved all of ourselves, we could be waiting a while. 

While you work on loving yourself, it’s okay to let people in who love you, too. 

Love is a practice not a prerequisite

When we give ourselves a chance to observe our beliefs, we break down some of walls that keep us from experiencing it. Whether we nurture the relationship with ourselves, allow ourselves to feel love, or simply understand it a little better, breaking down our limiting beliefs about love opens us up for more of it.

Self-determine your own ideas about love–with others and with yourself–please join me to explore these topics at upcoming retreats:

Looking at Love Retreat February 9
💗Define love in your own words
💗Describe and understand how love feels for you
💗Unpack concepts like “soulmate” and “twin flame”
💗Learn the basics of boundaries: Safe Words for Life
💗Communicate your needs, wants, desires
💗Deepen your relationship with yourself and the people in your life
💗Feel stronger, better, about where you are right. now.

Self-Love Retreat February 23
💗Get to know yourself a little better
💗Create your Personal Hierarchy of Needs
💗Identify ways to show yourself love without spending money (and give yourself permission to splurge when you need to)
💗Create rituals for self-care
💗Gain confidence and self-acceptance
💗Examine topics of body image, body positivity,
💗Acknowledge the inner critic and limiting beliefs

Sign up individually, or, if you sign up by Friday, January 31, you can attend both for $249, just email me!